Salah kah ku jadi aku, 

dan kau jadi kamu?

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Waltz For Debby

In her own sweet world
Populated by dolls and clowns
and a prince and a big purple bear.

Lives my favorite girl,
unaware of the worried frowns
that we weary grown ups all wear.

In the sun she dances to silent music,
songs that are spun of gold
somewhere in her own little head.

One day all too soon
she’ll grow up and she’ll leave her dolls
and her prince and her silly old bear.

When she goes they will cry
as she whispers “Good-bye.”
They will miss her I fear
but then so will I.

“Waltz For Debby”

— Tony Benett

Am I supposed to feel like this? 

Am I supposed to feel sad and depressed? 

Karena di saat dunia tengah hancur dan terjajah perang, kekuasaan, dan rakusnya ego,

aku malah sedih karena ketakutan yang bahkan belum aku tau benarnya. 

14.31

Aku

terisolir di sebuah ruang kecil.

Lampu menyala terang dan cahayanya tak pernah berubah satu watt pun. Pagi ke malam, fajar ke senja, sama saja. Aku buta akan cuaca, aku buta akan kabar langit di horizon. Aku buta akan berita di dunia luar. Aku menjadi seorang pemalas yang tiap hari berbaring lemas di atas kasur. Tidur, menghilangkan penat dan membunuh waktu hanya dengan bermalas-malasan. Tugas-tugas ku tak gubris. Mereka terbengkalai, mereka ku abaikan. 

Pagi sampai siang tadi, seperti biasa ku bawa diri keluar bunker ini. Ku jumpa matahari dan kawanan awan hujan yang membuat langit terasa sendu.  Seperti biasa juga, aku melangkah dengan segala kebencian pada sendiri, ketidakpercayaan diri, dan ketakutan akan pandangan orang terhadap cara ku berlaku. 

Kemudian seharian aku diam, aku tertawa, aku berbicara, aku menyembunyikan ketakutan dan pedih. Aku bermuka dua. Tapi tak pernah ada yang sadar, tak satu pun peduli. Karena, aku bungkam. I don’t need people to know that I am insecured and scared. They don’t need to know, because it’s not really necessary, and I don’t need them to judge me even more. 

Rasanya berlebihan memang, untuk takut begini. Untuk merasa sendiri di kala sebenarnya ada banyak kawan di sekitar. Rasanya berlebihan memang, untuk selalu merasa takut dan ingin menangis sejadi-jadi. 

Tapi, apa daya aku yang lemah melawan setan sendiri.

7 deadliest sins, diantaranya yaitu “iri”

It’s fuckin hard not to be jealous to people who are better than you. Who’s smarter, more good looking, got many good close friends, and wealthier than you. It’s hard. Terlebih saat tersadar bahwa aku hanyalah sampah dibanding mereka. Sesuatu yang sepele, yang tak diperlukan dunia. Siapa mau mata memandang perempuan layaknya aku? And I’m such a friend with benefits, tanpa ada sedikit pun mereka merasa butuh menghargai segala kebaikan ku. Mereka parasit. Menghisap habis harga diri.

It’s been a while since I wrote things like this. ‘Cause I’ve found someone that can make me feel better and loved everyday. But, still. My insecurities can’t go away. I forgot how ‘they’could come back again today and waved “hello”. Fuck, I hate them. But, once again, 

“..what can I do?”

An Ugly Duckling

Self hatred is the worst thing I can ever feel. 

I want to love my pathetic self.  I want to wear nice dress and feel beautiful. I want to make up my hair and act like a little cute girl. I want to wear sandals and run over a puddle at the beach. I want to have clear face and wear pink blushes on my cheek. I want to look cute and beautiful. Just wanna be good looking. I wanna be cool and not turning out looking weird and awkward.

But meh, all the things I wanted don’t suits me at all. 

For now I feel like standing in the middle of a shallow beach, with crystal clear water surrounding my feet and pink sand get in between my toes. While the friendly breeze blowing my hair gently. Speaking of my hair, I want to grow it long. But I wanna make it look good. Like cute, with fringe hair too.

I really, I wanna feel like a princess. To be fresh everyday. To be like other girls. To don’t have the need to cover my insecurities with make up. To be beautiful, to be lovely,

to be a normal girl. 

I don’t know what to do, because the world is too judgemental and I hate the fact that I

am an ugly duckling.